Behind Closed Doors: A Trans-Parent’s Battle with a Hidden Crisis

Should I lay down the law and risk what seems to be inevitable in a year or so anyway? Or do I continue in this stealthy love, hoping that it will break through the barrier of delusion?

(CONTEXT: Who Am I? and What’s my story? GET IN TOUCH at anontransparent@icloud.com)

The Facade of Normalcy

Most days are pretty normal. We've had it good that way compared to other friends who are enduring a similar ordeal. Our daughter doesn't lash out angrily unless provoked. She's not militant about her ideology, at least not to our faces. She does her chores and eats supper with us, goes on short trips with us, to the grandparents’ houses. She engages sometimes even when she's not being engaged with. She doesn't dress so outrageously that what’s happening is obvious to everyone. 

I don't think she has a clue about the anguish that we go through on a daily basis or what these last two years have been like for us. 

I would never want her to know about my daily deliberations and anxieties, about how I should treat her or deal with the people in the public systems of government and social work and school who constantly work against us and feed her worst impulses, fortifying her delusional beliefs.

Caught in a Web of Delusion

And so we seem like a happy family on most days with this kid that has all kinds of artistic talent and a bright intellectual mind, who cares deeply for anyone who might be an underdog and loves children and cats, but who for one reason or another has fallen hard for a lie that could destroy her life.

A friend who's going through similar circumstances relayed to me last week that their daughter had snuck out in the family car in the middle of the night to go spend the night with someone she met online. Our daughter is not doing anything like that, but then again she's not yet 18 and doesn't have her full license, so who knows?

Our circumstances are not bizarre in the day-to-day, only in the daily subtext. And the subtext is brutal and gritty and terrifying because in the subtext is where all the horror lies.

School Days Looming: Hope and Dread Collide

September is upon us and she'll soon be returning to school. Her general demeanour and mood have improved with each week of the summer break. She would never acknowledge this to be true, but it is true - demonstrably true. She is looking forward to being back in the conclave of affirmation while we are dreading the same.

She is excited that one of her teachers this year is the most LGBT-affirming teacher at her school. By the accounts of all the other students I've spoken to, he's not really a very good teacher. But yes, he does promote all things LGBT!

I consider talking to the principal to see if I could have her removed from his class, but at this point, that would seem conspicuous, thereby jeopardizing the semi-normal relationship I've had with my daughter over these last months. I do so much and don't do so much for the sake of that relationship and every day I second guess whether I'm making the right choices.

A Parent's Private Battle

Should I lay down the law and risk what seems to be inevitable in a year or so anyway? Or do I continue in this stealthy love, hoping that it will break through the barrier of delusion that lies between us? I honestly don't know and I wrestle with it every day and it undermines my confidence every moment of every day.

She'll go back to school next week and she'll be 18 in less than a year. Despite all the wonderful times we've had together this summer and the seeming improvements in her mental health, she disclosed to an older sibling a month or so ago that when she goes to college next year, she doesn't want us to know where she is. 

This is another clear evidence of delusion. She has very little money saved up and cannot overcome her anxiety in order to get a job. She is reliant on us to supply everything for her. How on earth does she believe she will go to school in one year and somehow make it possible that we don't know where she is?

A Daughter's Unseen Struggle

It is moments and comments like these that reaffirm that she is actually still dealing with deep pockets of mental instability. I wouldn't say that the extent of her mental illness is extreme, but the few pockets that exist are extremely deep and we can't seem to bring her out of them.

Where does that leave me today, a week before school resumes? I dread it. I am angry. I want to go to the school and scream at this teacher, tear a strip off the principal, and yell obscenities at the guidance counsellor who misguides her. I guess she could be called a misguidance counsellor. She’s the one who has threatened to call child protective services on us because of these supposedly abusive conditions in our home. She’s one of the evildoers and cowards we’ve met along the way.

It is overwhelming and infuriating and I feel completely helpless to do anything about it because of the risk of jeopardizing the relationship I still have with my daughter.

A Call for Support and Advocacy

So what can I do? 

I advocate tirelessly but privately. 

I write here in hopes that others will hear the truth and pick up the message in the time between now and when I'm able to be more public about it. I hope this is the case because I desire that more young vulnerable kids like my daughter can be saved from this self-destructive lie and this path of impending self-harm. 

So please if that's you, if you have less at stake If you are able to speak up, would you please do that for me and for thousands of other parents like me?

We would really appreciate it.

GET IN TOUCH at anontransparent@icloud.com